Self Esteem in Young People
Sometimes self-esteem can feel like one of those things that everyone else has figured out when you haven’t. You might be comparing yourself to other people who seem more confident, more attractive, or more successful in life. Meanwhile you might be thinking:
“Am I good enough?” “Do people actually like me?” “Why don’t I feel confident?” “What’s wrong with me?”
And the truth is, there might be nothing wrong with you.
Feeling unsure of yourself is a common experience in adolescence and early adulthood. You are growing, changing, figuring things out and becoming more independent. It can sometimes feel exciting, and at other times overwhelming or uncomfortable. And this is where self-esteem comes in.
Social Media can Affect Your Self-Esteem
It is difficult to feel confident when you are comparing yourself with carefully selected versions of other people’s lives. You see people’s best (edited?) photographs, their holidays, their fun times with friends or their achievements, and you compare it to your ordinary Wednesday afternoon. When I say it like this, it becomes obvious that this isn’t a fair comparison.
On social media, people only show you what they want to see. You get a highly curated highlight reel. You don’t see the work and struggle that went before their achievements, the argument that happened on that bowling trip, or the fact that they might have been bored during that holiday. People who seem really confident online might still struggle with loneliness, insecurity or self-doubt. And the pictures or videos do not show that side.
If scrolling regularly leaves you feeling worse about yourself, maybe it is time to take notice of that. You don’t necessarily need to delete every social media app, maybe you just need to unfollow the accounts that make you feel a certain type of way.
Stop Talking to Yourself like an Enemy
One of the biggest things I notice in young people who struggle with self-esteem is how they talk to themselves. Getting a poor grade in a mock test becomes “I’m so stupid”, or “I did so badly, I’m better than this.”
Now imagine the same thing happened to your best friend. Would you look at them and say “You’re so stupid”? In reality you’d probably say “It’s only one test, you’ll be able to learn from your mistakes.”
You deserve to give yourself the same compassion.
The next time you catch yourself being self-critical, ask yourself “Would I speak to someone I care about in this way?” If the answer is no, then try to change the way you speak to yourself.
And this isn’t about toxic positivity, it’s about being more realistic. You could say something believable:
“I’m struggling with this, but struggling doesn’t mean that I’m a failure”
“I don’t like everything about myself, but I don’t need to hate myself either”
“There’s always next time - I’m still learning.”
How Therapy Helps
In my core modality, Person Centred Therapy, we recognise that there are different sides to the personality. The Real Self (who you really are), the Ideal Self (who you wish you were), and Self Esteem. Self Esteem is at its best where there is the most overlap between The Real Self and The Ideal Self. So, in my work with young people, and also with adults, we work on this.
You might learn to accept yourself just as you are, so that the Ideal Self becomes closer to who you are, or conversely you may make changes in your life so that you become closer to the version of yourself you want to be. It might sound like a strange process but it can be extremely effective in helping you to feel more confident and less anxious or down.
There are plenty of other techniques and exercises I bring in that help people to gain confidence, go easier on themselves, and live a life that is more fulfilling.
If this post speaks to you, and you feel that therapy with me is the way forward, then feel free to contact me for a free 15 minute discovery phonecall.
Hope to hear from you soon!
TRAFFORD COUNSELLING
Peter Lewis (he/him)
